Goodbye Again 🖤

I wrote this piece on May 19, 2018. My father is deep down a good man but also struggles with some mental instability and Alcoholism. When I was born he was in jail. He was in jail for the majority of my childhood and was released when I turned 13 years old. At that point, I was used to not having any parental support and had no interest in attempting to build bonds with either of my parents. To this day, especially being a new mom, I have no clue what the future holds. I remember being in this headspace and feeling disappointment. Realizing that him not being right within meant that he couldn't be right for or towards anyone... especially me. I did get to experience him briefly, he started trouble I knew nothing about, he came to me saying the opposite of whatever in the hell he told the people he started trouble with. I knew his intentions, that they were pure and he just has a temper, but alcohol will make him blow. The fight against yourself is the biggest battle anyone could ever fight. We all face that battle it just looks different for everyone. So of course, just as with anyone else, I'd never judge him.  His process is harmful to me because I am his child. He went through heaps of crap and did fight to be in my life and still lost. So me being an adult and choosing him meant the world, but also is a lot to handle and process. Not knowing me and having to get to know me was new. Once he stirred up trouble being drunk, scared people off without me even knowing what was said, that was like ok first straw. When he lost his crap on me, drunk and started to talk to me crazy, I knew that was it. I was disappointed, I also trust whatever space I am in. I cried because I started to care for him and thought maybe one day I could love him, but I've never been able to say that I do. That was the night I was going to propose that we spend more time together and I would see him more... I judged myself briefly, like this is MY parents that I'm talking about, how did I think it'd end? I released that negativity because it was wrong, and it wasn't my fault. It was just a horrible learning experience and I WASN'T robbed. I was looked out for and warned. It wasn't time and I could've been seriously harmed if the conversation wasn't over the phone. I shed a few tears and began writing, find the poem below. 

It was like tug of war 

Over a kid 

She won & didn’t want to 

Never did 

But she likes to play 

I know that makes it hard for you to stay 

It’s ok 

Trying to know you was great 

But this is why I don’t take it to heart 

You know where to start but never finish 

Ironically I know your heart is in this

But be honest 

If it’s too much for you 

There’s nothing either of us can do

 Until the time passes 

& all this is thru 

You cared about me being sick 

I know you still do 

One day the hope is 

I’ll be able to build a true bond, 

Healthy relationship 

Thank you for this trip 

I’ve gained new enlightenment

I understood it was over before you did 

But that’s the nice thing about this 

Painful but I know, 

All the endless cycles 

I don’t get blinded 

Not even by intentional attempts 

I stopped believing “this time might be different” 

Reality can be concealed 

but never truly hidden 

Bent & warped but it remains the same 

You can’t take away the honest truth 

Even tho I say that I know that’s exactly what she did to you 

One day I hope I love you 

You sort of deserve it 

Father 

One day I want to be comfortable around you 

Just a little 

Bc you can’t pick the parents dealt 

But you still only get two 

Maybe I’ll never have a genuine bond with either of you... 

But now I totally understand why I’m such an anxious body 

I panic you explode 

Manifestation 

One made from two 

Which scares me the most sometimes 

But then I snap out of it 

And 

Remember I’m neither of you 

Dear Father 

I know you’re the worst kind of sick 

Fighting yourself is the hardest battle of them all 

This time may really be it 

Nothing more than a check-in every few years 

If... 

Dear Father ... goodbye again.